may 6th

Hi. It's been a while since I posted, obviously. I am completely out of sorts, not myself, and otherwise unbalanced. Work has consumed me lately, and with what little mental energy I have remaining, I try to appreciate my new son and pay attention to the needs of my wife (I am sorely sucking in that last category). I literally don't like who I am right now, and have had what I can only imagine are minor panic attacks over the last few weeks as the weight of the work crushes down on me. I actually like my job, there's just so damn much of it right now that I can't function normally.

The great irony here is that I've said many times how I'll always put family first, and yet here I am working 10-14 hour days, and a few weeks ago I was working weekends as well. I'm certainly not being the great husband that Laura deserves, and soon she'll be back at work. I fear that I'll loose this opportunity while she is off to take time away as a new family. It turns out that the busiest time here at work is now, smack dab in the middle of my son's new life and Laura's time off. She's supposed to go back to work in late June, and chances are pretty good that a lot of this work insanity will have calmed to a low rucus by then.

But what am I to do? I am an engineer in a salaried position during one of the worst economic times in modern history. I need a job, and don't want to risk loosing this one. But everyone I talk to here is suffering as well. Everyone, EVERYONE feels beaten and tired by this project. It's truely insane.

I'd like to think that one of these days I'll be in the habit of writing happy blog entries. Or something interesting, anything other than my typical depressing banter. Oh but there's just so much going on right now. Actually there's only a few things going on, but about a million things that I want to get done, none of which I have the bandwith to accomplish.

And all I want to talk about is my son, and the awesomeness of his growth and development, and how freaking incredible it is to make the goofiest noises at him and see and hear him respond to me. To see him looking and thinking and moving his mouth in brand new, first time attempts to make sound, sound of any kind, kind of like this big person who is hanging over him and relentlessly bugging him to respond. My goodness it lights up my life. Even now just thinking about it ... I'm lifted up out of this cubicle and propelled into the stars. I just love him so much, and I'm dumbstruck at the reality that Laura and I made him. We made a person. I'm out of my own body right now.

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So last night Laura and Tyler stayed over at Laura's mom's place, mostly because her dad is out of town for a few days, but also because it would give me a chance to stay late at work and get more done without the pull to get home to take care of Tyler, relieve Laura, etc. It was so, so very weird to not have the two of them around. It felt wrong, like part of me was missing. I tried to cover it up for a while by mindlessly watching TV, and at one point I found the film Spider-Man 3, which, being a sci-fi geek, was sufficient to help me zone out for a little while.

At least for the first few minutes that I was watching, right up until some line about how we all have the freedom to choose. That pulled me right back into reality and made me want to take the next week off. Choose to stay home. Choose to clean up my yard and garage, choose to help Laura pick paint colors so we can brighten up our entry hall and loft. Choose to scoop up the kid and the wife and drive out to the coast for some light hiking and family photo-ops.

There's got to be a way to make balance happen in a life. Choose to do the things I want, and balance them with the things I have to do. I've never been a master of this in any form, and so more thought is needed. I guess.