laughter, please

Today's quote comes from pages 234-235 of Lewis Black's book Me of Little Faith, from the chapter entitled "God Knows Funny". Mind you I am not necessarily a religious person, but neither is Mr. Lewis' book trying to preach or convert anyone. This one paragraph really struck me as intersting:



"And imagine a religion where all God asks of you is to have a good laugh and then get back to trying to be a nice person. Let's face it, we could use something like this since we're living in a world that makes most of us so uptight that being nice is an exhausting proposition. Which is why my God would want each and every one of us to laugh - as it simply and miraculously alleviates stress."



Since I'm the kind of person who can't seem to get away from introspective blogs, I'll mention here that lately I've observed that I've been unusually uptight. If you know me well, you know that I'm generally uptight anyway, which means that lately I've been ... making diamonds? So I read that paragraph and am reminded that laughter is a very healthy thing to have in one's life. Perhaps it's not only laughing at the funny, but also being able to laugh at the rediculous or the impossible instead of getting angry that could help me relax and live a healthier life.



Way back in 2008 after returning from a breathtaking trip to New Zealand, I said I should adopt the "No Worries" lifestyle, and I certainly haven't done that yet. Perhaps I should start looking at both that and more laughter, particularly at myself, so that I can sigh and move on with living.

no traction work day, parents watch kid for first time

Kind of a waste of a day as far as work is concerned. Never could get any traction, just kept spinning my wheels. probably mostly my own fault for not brainstorming with peers to get through the design block I was experiencing. Also quite nervous these days about staying at home on Wednesdays. It's totally worth it to get to spend the time with my son, but loosing 20% of my work week puts a LOT more pressure on me the other days to get all the work done.

But hey, on the brighter side of things, my parents watched Tyler today and had a great, fun day with him. Apparently he was nothing but smiles and was rolling over in both directions, so that's really great; I was afraid there's be trouble since he hasn't spent all that much time with them in his life so far, but he proved me wrong and did really well today.

weekend, most of it

Had a lot of fun at a BBQ at the Shaw's yesterday. It's so very, very healthy for Laura and I to visit friends and laugh. Something about the friends we have .. they're just such cool people, and we always feel so good around them. We always come home afterwards feeling refreshed. Anyway, just a couple hours spent hanging out with them, the Telfords, and Beth and Thom.

Spent a chunk of today bbqing again with Laura's family. Tyler was argumentative most of the time, but it was still an enjoyable visit, right up until the part where we had a metal object jammed in the front right tire of the car, and had to put on the spare to drive home tonight. No, it wasn't vandalism; somehow the tire, which, by the way, is essentially brand new, picked up what looks like a broken tire valve stem. It wasn't leaking any air, but it sounded like a large rock stuck in the tire as we tried to drive away from Laura's brother's house. We thought about just staying the night in Folsom, but ended up driving back home ... at 50 miles an hour. It's really interesting to see just how fast and reckless everyone drives when you are going that (relatively) slow and watching them damn near run up your ass. So we cruised home with the hazards on, and had a lot of laughs.

Oh hey, Happy Birthday America!

still here?

Wow, this blog is still here? I'm amazed it hasn't been shut down due to inactivity. I guess like so many other things in my life I really like the idea of doing it, but I can't seem to get my shit together to actually make it happen. I'm the kind of guy with incredible potential, but not a whole lot more. That's not me being down on myself, that's a calmly spoken truth. Besides, when I reflect upon the entries I've posted, both here and at my old blog, I see that I have complained about things much more so than having said anything interesting, funny, or constructive.

It's funny to me really. Sometimes, like just yesterday driving home from work, I'll look out across the land and just know it, just feel like I can be so much more than I am. But I don't know what to do with that, or how to make it happen. I'm not sure whether I let myself get bogged down by the little details in life, or if I'm just lazy, or if I'm too uptight. Or maybe none of it matters and I should simply smile more often. The scary part now is that as a father, I want to provide the very best for my son, and I think an important part of that is setting a good example of how to be happy and sane. Hopefully I can set that example!

I don't know. Anyway, happy (almost) Independence Day everyone. Go have fun with fireworks without burning anything down.

Memorial Day Weekend

Back at work after THREE DAYS IN A ROW NOT WORKING! That was fantastic. I can't even explain how nice it was to not work a weekend. And a holiday weekend at that!

I am at work today, but I took a long-ish lunch and got a hair cut at the Aggie Barber Shop (first time ever patronizing them). They shaved the back of my neck! Never had that done at Supercuts or Great Clips before! Why have I wasted my time with the chain hair cut salons?

Spent Saturday hanging out with my son at the Shaw house while Laura had a much overdue girls day with Jen. I'm fully capable of watching my son for a day without Laura around, but I haven't done much of it because I've been working so much. The little guy just won't sleep during the day. I tried to pump him full of milk, and that worked ok sometimes, but usually after a half hour of "snoozing", he'll wake up suddenly, crying, screaming, angry. I guess it's usually a gas bubble, but anyway he's restless and fussy and just never stops moving. No wonder my poor wife is so tired!

Sunday we drove up into the foothills and actually tasted wine! We haven't been able to get out and do that in ages. Tyler was ... ok. He got pretty fussy at one point, then fell asleep. We made it to two wineries (Lava Cap and Boeger, and no, we didn't see Justin), which was all we were really trying to do, but it was a very nice day out. Then we BBQd at Laura's brother's place back in Folsom.

It's always nice to hang out there because they have an awesome back yard, and the company is great. The drag now is that we have to cut out early to get home and put the kid to bed, which we didn't actually do, and which is probably why he didn't sleep well Sunday night.

Monday my parents came up to visit, which is always nice. My dad and I worked up a plan to build a deck in our back yard. We have this awesome landscape plan that my school friend Arthur Brito created for us, but we can't afford to really do the work right now, so I want to put in a small, temporary deck, then we'll lay sod everywhere else around the deck and around the trees I planted. That way at least we'll have a clean yard and something to enjoy this year, instead of another year of ugly dirt.

So that's the status of things now. Stay Classy San Diego.

may 6th

Hi. It's been a while since I posted, obviously. I am completely out of sorts, not myself, and otherwise unbalanced. Work has consumed me lately, and with what little mental energy I have remaining, I try to appreciate my new son and pay attention to the needs of my wife (I am sorely sucking in that last category). I literally don't like who I am right now, and have had what I can only imagine are minor panic attacks over the last few weeks as the weight of the work crushes down on me. I actually like my job, there's just so damn much of it right now that I can't function normally.

The great irony here is that I've said many times how I'll always put family first, and yet here I am working 10-14 hour days, and a few weeks ago I was working weekends as well. I'm certainly not being the great husband that Laura deserves, and soon she'll be back at work. I fear that I'll loose this opportunity while she is off to take time away as a new family. It turns out that the busiest time here at work is now, smack dab in the middle of my son's new life and Laura's time off. She's supposed to go back to work in late June, and chances are pretty good that a lot of this work insanity will have calmed to a low rucus by then.

But what am I to do? I am an engineer in a salaried position during one of the worst economic times in modern history. I need a job, and don't want to risk loosing this one. But everyone I talk to here is suffering as well. Everyone, EVERYONE feels beaten and tired by this project. It's truely insane.

I'd like to think that one of these days I'll be in the habit of writing happy blog entries. Or something interesting, anything other than my typical depressing banter. Oh but there's just so much going on right now. Actually there's only a few things going on, but about a million things that I want to get done, none of which I have the bandwith to accomplish.

And all I want to talk about is my son, and the awesomeness of his growth and development, and how freaking incredible it is to make the goofiest noises at him and see and hear him respond to me. To see him looking and thinking and moving his mouth in brand new, first time attempts to make sound, sound of any kind, kind of like this big person who is hanging over him and relentlessly bugging him to respond. My goodness it lights up my life. Even now just thinking about it ... I'm lifted up out of this cubicle and propelled into the stars. I just love him so much, and I'm dumbstruck at the reality that Laura and I made him. We made a person. I'm out of my own body right now.

--------

So last night Laura and Tyler stayed over at Laura's mom's place, mostly because her dad is out of town for a few days, but also because it would give me a chance to stay late at work and get more done without the pull to get home to take care of Tyler, relieve Laura, etc. It was so, so very weird to not have the two of them around. It felt wrong, like part of me was missing. I tried to cover it up for a while by mindlessly watching TV, and at one point I found the film Spider-Man 3, which, being a sci-fi geek, was sufficient to help me zone out for a little while.

At least for the first few minutes that I was watching, right up until some line about how we all have the freedom to choose. That pulled me right back into reality and made me want to take the next week off. Choose to stay home. Choose to clean up my yard and garage, choose to help Laura pick paint colors so we can brighten up our entry hall and loft. Choose to scoop up the kid and the wife and drive out to the coast for some light hiking and family photo-ops.

There's got to be a way to make balance happen in a life. Choose to do the things I want, and balance them with the things I have to do. I've never been a master of this in any form, and so more thought is needed. I guess.

Anthony "Chub" Cappelletti

I don't have a proper term to define the family relation type for my friend Chubbo. We shared no blood link whatsoever, but he lived next to my mom's family when she was growing up in Crockett, and had always been a very good friend to my family. All the way back from childhood I have more memories of him than I do of my own grandparents, and as far as I am concerned he was a grandparent to me. Chubbo passed away this last Sunday morning.

My mother's parents split way before I ever existed, and I never knew her father. There are photos of me with my mom's mother, but she died of lung cancer when I was about 4, so I have no real memories of my own. (Side note ... DON'T FUCKING SMOKE! But I'm not bitter). My father's parents also divorced before I was born (on his wedding day, no less ... very classy), but both of them were actually a part of my life to some extent.

My dad's dad was mostly absent for years until his second wife passed away, at which point he realized he actually had kids and grandkids of his own, and he did his best to make up for having been absent. He was always a good guy, but I almost always felt awkward around him. I think my dad felt the same way about him, but we made it all work when we'd meet for dinners or holidays. He passed away very suddenly a couple of years ago, and I found myself wishing I had tried harder to get to know him, even blaming myself a little bit for not having been the bigger man and just make the time to go see him more often, regardless of how awkward it might have been, or how many times I'd already heard his war stories.

My dad's mom is still around, and I occasionally call or write her. That's a very awkward relationship if ever there was one. She is very ... well, particular in how she sends her love. It's not bad, it just rubs me the wrong way sometimes, but I'm doing what I can to accept the fact that she means well. And I should learn from my own lesson and be a good grandson while I still actually have a grandparent.

Which brings me back to Chub. His real name was Anthony, but apparently as a child he was pudgy, and somehow let the name "Chubbo" stick, so I always knew him as Chub. I call him a grandparent because although we didn't spend hoards of time with him, he was just always so friendly and fun and interesting. He would play with me and show me his drafting table and his wood working tools, and let me explore his house and back yard. He wanted me to learn and explore and have fun. As much as I love my blood grandparents, they always loved be back at a distance; I have zero memories of them playing anything with me, or getting down on the floor to wrestle or be even a little goofy, which is perhaps why I now treat my grandmother with love at a distance.

So it's not like Chub was in my life every day, but the man genuinely gave a shit about me and was always asking my mom how I was doing, where I was working, what I was working on, every single time she would see him. Even to the extent that sometime he would forget to ask how my mom was doing. So it should come as no surprise that I now find myself wishing I had made the time to visit him more often. Not because there was anything I felt I needed to say, but just to hang out.

Damn life and the things that "keep us busy" when there's so much else we really want to be doing. I've been "so busy" with work these past months, that even now when I know I'm sad at his passing, I can't muster the sadness to grieve because I know I've got another 12 hour work day coming up tomorrow. That's a whole different blog posting that I hope to get to some time soon.

I can't say for certain whether my interest in how things work, and my subsequent pursuit of a career in engineering are because of his mechanical inclinations, but it would not surprise me in the least to find out that was the case. Anyway, the guy was a very positive influence in my life, and I will certainly miss him. Rest in peace my friend.