Tonight, well it started out particularly crappy when he just wouldn't settle after feeding, a trait that except for last night has been "normal" since birth. By the way, happy one week birthday son. Things seems to be okay right at this moment; Tyler is sleeping on Laura in the rocking chair in the next room, and everybody has been quiet for the last half hour. I'm hoping these are good signs, but let's face it, it's only 2:18 and I am more of a pessimist than an optimist, so there is plenty of time left in the night for a melt down.
This probably isn't the best time for me to be blogging, but it was either this or hop on my rowing machine and scream as I pull as hard as I can. Laura and the boy might not appreciate option 2 there, so here I sit, feeling maybe a little autistic as I rapidly swing back and forth in the desk chair, hoping that the more words I type, and the more sways I swing, the more I might slip back into some semblance of mental stability.
It really doesn't help that this little boy (who, by the way, I know is acting totally normally for a newborn) is pushing my buttons and digging out the really bad parts of my personality. My temper, my lack of patience, my over-analyzation and tendency to just problem solve, my neuroses in general. Why is it so hard for me to chill out? Why am I so uptight? I could f up every single other thing in my life, but this, this new little life, this tiny little boy who knows NOTHING of the world, I should be able to comfort and support him without trying to out-stubborn him. Because wake up Andy, he's NOT being stubborn god dammit! He is confused! No, he doesn't even have an understanding of that yet because he has not yet built the neurological pathways that allow him to comprehend even the simplest sensations like touch!
Still swaying in my chair, perhaps even more aggressively now.
Saved by Laura! She scared the crap out of me just now when she snuck into the room, but she's calmed me down. What a wonderful woman. Where does she get her strength?
It's 2:45, I'm going to get whatever sleep I can before he wakes up again.
Somehow, somewhere, I am actually sane.
The blurry nights of the first week at home. Hang in there Andy!
ReplyDeleteYa know, about 3 weeks into the twins' lives, one of my friends who didn't have kids asked if there was anything she could do for me. My honest response was, "Would you mind spending the night and doing all the feedings so we can just get ONE night's sleep?" She laughed at me, thought I was joking. Sleep is so precious, for us and our kids. Try and nap as much as you can during the day.
Somehow we haven't yet learned the "nap while they are sleeping" rule. We need to make that gospel and just sleep whenever we can. Things got a lot better after I posted this, but still as every night approaches we (Laura more so than I because she has to do the work) both get anxious and worried about what the night might bring.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the friend's comment goes: now that I am a parent, I an honestly say that you just DON'T know until you have to do it yourself.