Happy Thanksgiving everyone

So I'm late with my well-wishes, so what. Had a nice Turkey day with my parents, sister and her family, and my aunt and uncle. While we were there we attempted to take some family photos since we've never done such a thing with my side of the family. Suprisingly, despite my limited abilities with a SLR, most of the photos actually turned out all right. Below is my new favoriate photo of all time, including the two most important people in my whole world.

That's all for today.

Old MacDonald

One quick story ... after giving Tyler a bath, Laura and I move him to the counter in the bathroom to dry him off. He often dislikes being put back down after having been pulled from the bathtub, so we will start singing to him to keep him calm. Usually, for whatever reason, we start singing "Old MacDonald", pick animals at random, and invent noises for them to make. This one time I sang

"And on this farm he had a ... Tyler
Eee I Eee I Ohh"

To which Laura responded, "A Tyler? On a Farm? I hope he is a Free Range Tyer".

Ok, it was silly, but it made me bust out laughing. The whole idea of a Tyler on a farm in a cage or ranging freely; it was a silly image to me. If it was my Tyler, he would certainly have to be a Free Range Tyler considering how much this little guy wants to move around.

tiny hotel soap

Good Morning from the Whale's Vagina. (How's that for a blog opening?) Yes, I am submitting a blog from beautiful San Diego, where my employer has sent me to oversee a hydrostatic pressure test on my hardware (my design, my eqipment, my "other kid"). The stuff I designed is too large to fit into either of the two pressure test chambers that we have back in Davis, and there is a company here in SD with whom we have a pretty good relationship, so every so often we package up our hardware, spend too much on next-day freight, then lower the equipmet into the big water tank and squeeze away to see whether the thing can stand the pressure.

Me personally, althought the testing is interesting, I'd rather be hanging out on the beach. I am in San Diego after all! But this trip is too short; arrived yesterday morning, prepped to test all day long, test today, and hopefully have time to pull the equipment out of the chamber and package it back up for shipment before I hop on a plane back home tonight. One night away from my wife and kid is too much already.

What is the deal with the tiny hotel soaps anyway? Even if I were staying here for a couple days, there's no way I'd ever use much of the small bar they provide. Where does all that soap go? Seriously? Either there is a LOT of soap in landfills, or some couple of families somewhere have a lot of soap furniture.

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I did have just enough time last night to drive around and (very) briefly see the regular sights that Laura and I like; the UCSD campus, the Torey Pines Gliderport, La Jolla and La Valencia (where we were married), Mission Bay. I felt really guilty for visiting the Gliderport without Laura (it was one of her favoriate, and most relaxing places to visit when she was in school here); the cool sea breaze is suprisingly refreshing and relaxing; both Laura and I could really use a lot of that. I had time for only a few deep breaths before I had to move on.

Anyway, back to it now, time to eat and get to the test facility again.

Good Morning, and Stay Classy San Diego.

drool boy

Tyler has had a cold the last few days, and at the same time he is or has got to be close to cutting anywhere from one to 26 teeth. Subsequently he has been drooling constantly lately. Wait, did I say drooling? I meant he has been waterfalling lately. I realize this is not a new thing for a parent to experience, but I'll play my "first time" card and say that it's just amazing that he hasn't become totally dehydrated.

Also over the weekend he kept his tongue stuck out. For the whole weekend. No, really. It was odd.

Going to work this morning sucked because Tyler was really wanting to play. Like, I'd leave the room for half a second to put on my shoes, and he'd cry out to me. That guy is trying to break my heart! Stupid work! Can't you see that I've got a son at home and I need to play with him? Can't you see that in just a few minutes he'll be leaving for college! Ahh!

Neil Patrick

It happened again over the weekend. It hasn't happened for a while, but this was perhaps the most random, most unique occurance of this odd trend in my life.

Moments after leaving my old friend's house in Riverbank**, CA, we realized that Tyler needed food if he was going to be happy during the hour drive to our next destination. We pulled over mere blocks from my friend's house and proceeded to feed the kid in the car.

At this point it's dark outside, and the only light around other than a couple street lights is the dome light in our car. I'm feeding Tyler while sitting in the driver's seat, and Laura is getting stuff moved so that she can sit in the rear with him as we drive.

Just then a group of perhaps high school aged kids walks by the car along the sidewalk. As he passes our car, one of them says, I kid you not "that guy looks like Neil Patrick Harris".

What is it? Do I really? No! The only thing interesting about it happening this time is that this is the first time anyone has gone straight to Neil Patrick and not said Doogie Houser. That could easily be rationalized away because Mr. Harris is back in popularity what with "How I Met Your Mother", but the fact that this keeps happening is just plain odd. Typically it's been in face-to-face interactions with someone like a cashier or similar, so this occurrance is definately a unique one.

But really? Dark, late, outside, random walker-by, guy in a car feeding his kid, yeah sure, that must be Neil Patrick Harris.

Maybe the universe is trying to tell me that I should contact Mr. Harris and offer to be his body double, stunt double, or whatever you call a person who helps distract the papparazzi so that you can go about your normal business. Maybe that is my true calling, waiting to be answered.

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** Where in the hell is Riverbank, you might ask? East of Salida I answer. And where is that? Why it's just north of Modesto, of course. Geez.

of mice and minivans

I was falling asleep one night last week while bottle feeding Tyler, very comfortable and relaxed in the Lazy Boy rocking chair that we bought for just such a purpose, when Laura comes into the room with a spooked look on her face.


"We have a mouse", she said. At the moment I was somewhat still asleep, and the whole idea of there being a mouse seemed preposterous to me, although to be fair I also kept thinking that I was at my parent's house, and that they should deal with it. After waking up fully and accepting the fact that I was indeed my own house, it occurred to me that Laura was serious, and had no interest in letting the mouse remain in the house.


About a half hour later, after corralling and shooing and brooming and various attempts at getting the mouse into a box, we finally encouraged it to leave through an open door. It's funny how this tiny little thing (maybe an inch and a half long) encites dread in people. Maybe it's more the fact that it is not supposed to be inside the house, than the fact that it is a mouse, that got us wound up.


So it was much to my dismay when, after cleaning up mouse poop last night, that I found mouse poop again this morning, and in the same location. As I was thinkng about going to buy a trap, another (or the same) mouse jumped up out of the garbage can and scurried into the recycling bin. After a minor heart attack, I covered the recycle bin with a trash bag and re-delivered the mouse back outside, where it will no doubt go back through whatever hole it is using to get inside my house and proceed to poop all over the place until I realize that I just have to bait it.


Oh, so much fun, having a mouse in the house.



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In other news, we may buy a minivan. Yup. Are you not excited for us?

Ever since Tyler was born, getting him and his car seat in and out of our sedan has been tough on our backs. It's not that we're weak people, it's just awkward because we're tall. So we started talking about replacing the sedan with a SUV some time next year, but never got very serious about it. Then last week, Laura comes to me with the idea of a minivan, claiming that "we'll probably end up with one some day anyhow, so why bother with an intermediate step of the SUV?"

Probably? Anyhow? Really? When did we become a big family? Why do we want to drive such a stereotypical family soccer-event car around? The whole idea made me tweak a little bit.

Then Tyler outgrew his removable car seat. Ok, no big deal, just install the convertable seat rear-facing (because he still isn't one year) and everything will be fine, right? Well, he is so tall now that you literally have to hold him sideways to fit him between the car seat and the roof of the car, then stand him up in the seat, then pull his feet out from under him to get his butt to drop down to the proper location. Long story short, the idea of a larger car is starting to sound marvelous, and suddenly the idea of bypassing something like an SUV to move into something like a minivan is, well, sounding very practical.

Sure, there are only three of us, but some day there might be four. And each of the road trips we've taken lately seems to require the packing of a stroller, a pack-and-play, Tyler's clothes, our clothes, blankets, pillows, toys, hiking backpacks, etc. This stuff fills up the trunk of an Accord pretty fast.

So to summarize, don't be suprised of some day soon we arrive for out visit driving a miniature van.

random post

Tyler seems to have figured out that kicking his legs while in the bath means that the water will splash all over dad, the mirror, the countertop, him. He's not quite sure what it all means, or he is just so curious that he hasn't allowed himself to laugh at it yet, but there is some sly enjoyment in it because last night he just kept doing it and got everything wet. Crazy baby!

mind tuned to work during walk

Just went for a walk with the intention of relaxing my mind during a lunch break. Interesting thing though, as I am walking along, though I know I am looking at the path in front of me, I don't actually see it. Instead I see the CAD models of machine parts I am working on. So I'm out where the air feels nice, but I am still developing parts, trying to solve fit problems, still working. I know my eyes are open, and that there is light entering them, but it's like my brain is tuned to a different input.

I managed to not walk into any trees or trip over scurrying squirrels (by the way their activities along the olive tree path here at Cousteau are fascinating to watch), but probably only by dumb luck. It's really kinda freaky.

laughter, please

Today's quote comes from pages 234-235 of Lewis Black's book Me of Little Faith, from the chapter entitled "God Knows Funny". Mind you I am not necessarily a religious person, but neither is Mr. Lewis' book trying to preach or convert anyone. This one paragraph really struck me as intersting:



"And imagine a religion where all God asks of you is to have a good laugh and then get back to trying to be a nice person. Let's face it, we could use something like this since we're living in a world that makes most of us so uptight that being nice is an exhausting proposition. Which is why my God would want each and every one of us to laugh - as it simply and miraculously alleviates stress."



Since I'm the kind of person who can't seem to get away from introspective blogs, I'll mention here that lately I've observed that I've been unusually uptight. If you know me well, you know that I'm generally uptight anyway, which means that lately I've been ... making diamonds? So I read that paragraph and am reminded that laughter is a very healthy thing to have in one's life. Perhaps it's not only laughing at the funny, but also being able to laugh at the rediculous or the impossible instead of getting angry that could help me relax and live a healthier life.



Way back in 2008 after returning from a breathtaking trip to New Zealand, I said I should adopt the "No Worries" lifestyle, and I certainly haven't done that yet. Perhaps I should start looking at both that and more laughter, particularly at myself, so that I can sigh and move on with living.

no traction work day, parents watch kid for first time

Kind of a waste of a day as far as work is concerned. Never could get any traction, just kept spinning my wheels. probably mostly my own fault for not brainstorming with peers to get through the design block I was experiencing. Also quite nervous these days about staying at home on Wednesdays. It's totally worth it to get to spend the time with my son, but loosing 20% of my work week puts a LOT more pressure on me the other days to get all the work done.

But hey, on the brighter side of things, my parents watched Tyler today and had a great, fun day with him. Apparently he was nothing but smiles and was rolling over in both directions, so that's really great; I was afraid there's be trouble since he hasn't spent all that much time with them in his life so far, but he proved me wrong and did really well today.

weekend, most of it

Had a lot of fun at a BBQ at the Shaw's yesterday. It's so very, very healthy for Laura and I to visit friends and laugh. Something about the friends we have .. they're just such cool people, and we always feel so good around them. We always come home afterwards feeling refreshed. Anyway, just a couple hours spent hanging out with them, the Telfords, and Beth and Thom.

Spent a chunk of today bbqing again with Laura's family. Tyler was argumentative most of the time, but it was still an enjoyable visit, right up until the part where we had a metal object jammed in the front right tire of the car, and had to put on the spare to drive home tonight. No, it wasn't vandalism; somehow the tire, which, by the way, is essentially brand new, picked up what looks like a broken tire valve stem. It wasn't leaking any air, but it sounded like a large rock stuck in the tire as we tried to drive away from Laura's brother's house. We thought about just staying the night in Folsom, but ended up driving back home ... at 50 miles an hour. It's really interesting to see just how fast and reckless everyone drives when you are going that (relatively) slow and watching them damn near run up your ass. So we cruised home with the hazards on, and had a lot of laughs.

Oh hey, Happy Birthday America!

still here?

Wow, this blog is still here? I'm amazed it hasn't been shut down due to inactivity. I guess like so many other things in my life I really like the idea of doing it, but I can't seem to get my shit together to actually make it happen. I'm the kind of guy with incredible potential, but not a whole lot more. That's not me being down on myself, that's a calmly spoken truth. Besides, when I reflect upon the entries I've posted, both here and at my old blog, I see that I have complained about things much more so than having said anything interesting, funny, or constructive.

It's funny to me really. Sometimes, like just yesterday driving home from work, I'll look out across the land and just know it, just feel like I can be so much more than I am. But I don't know what to do with that, or how to make it happen. I'm not sure whether I let myself get bogged down by the little details in life, or if I'm just lazy, or if I'm too uptight. Or maybe none of it matters and I should simply smile more often. The scary part now is that as a father, I want to provide the very best for my son, and I think an important part of that is setting a good example of how to be happy and sane. Hopefully I can set that example!

I don't know. Anyway, happy (almost) Independence Day everyone. Go have fun with fireworks without burning anything down.

Memorial Day Weekend

Back at work after THREE DAYS IN A ROW NOT WORKING! That was fantastic. I can't even explain how nice it was to not work a weekend. And a holiday weekend at that!

I am at work today, but I took a long-ish lunch and got a hair cut at the Aggie Barber Shop (first time ever patronizing them). They shaved the back of my neck! Never had that done at Supercuts or Great Clips before! Why have I wasted my time with the chain hair cut salons?

Spent Saturday hanging out with my son at the Shaw house while Laura had a much overdue girls day with Jen. I'm fully capable of watching my son for a day without Laura around, but I haven't done much of it because I've been working so much. The little guy just won't sleep during the day. I tried to pump him full of milk, and that worked ok sometimes, but usually after a half hour of "snoozing", he'll wake up suddenly, crying, screaming, angry. I guess it's usually a gas bubble, but anyway he's restless and fussy and just never stops moving. No wonder my poor wife is so tired!

Sunday we drove up into the foothills and actually tasted wine! We haven't been able to get out and do that in ages. Tyler was ... ok. He got pretty fussy at one point, then fell asleep. We made it to two wineries (Lava Cap and Boeger, and no, we didn't see Justin), which was all we were really trying to do, but it was a very nice day out. Then we BBQd at Laura's brother's place back in Folsom.

It's always nice to hang out there because they have an awesome back yard, and the company is great. The drag now is that we have to cut out early to get home and put the kid to bed, which we didn't actually do, and which is probably why he didn't sleep well Sunday night.

Monday my parents came up to visit, which is always nice. My dad and I worked up a plan to build a deck in our back yard. We have this awesome landscape plan that my school friend Arthur Brito created for us, but we can't afford to really do the work right now, so I want to put in a small, temporary deck, then we'll lay sod everywhere else around the deck and around the trees I planted. That way at least we'll have a clean yard and something to enjoy this year, instead of another year of ugly dirt.

So that's the status of things now. Stay Classy San Diego.

may 6th

Hi. It's been a while since I posted, obviously. I am completely out of sorts, not myself, and otherwise unbalanced. Work has consumed me lately, and with what little mental energy I have remaining, I try to appreciate my new son and pay attention to the needs of my wife (I am sorely sucking in that last category). I literally don't like who I am right now, and have had what I can only imagine are minor panic attacks over the last few weeks as the weight of the work crushes down on me. I actually like my job, there's just so damn much of it right now that I can't function normally.

The great irony here is that I've said many times how I'll always put family first, and yet here I am working 10-14 hour days, and a few weeks ago I was working weekends as well. I'm certainly not being the great husband that Laura deserves, and soon she'll be back at work. I fear that I'll loose this opportunity while she is off to take time away as a new family. It turns out that the busiest time here at work is now, smack dab in the middle of my son's new life and Laura's time off. She's supposed to go back to work in late June, and chances are pretty good that a lot of this work insanity will have calmed to a low rucus by then.

But what am I to do? I am an engineer in a salaried position during one of the worst economic times in modern history. I need a job, and don't want to risk loosing this one. But everyone I talk to here is suffering as well. Everyone, EVERYONE feels beaten and tired by this project. It's truely insane.

I'd like to think that one of these days I'll be in the habit of writing happy blog entries. Or something interesting, anything other than my typical depressing banter. Oh but there's just so much going on right now. Actually there's only a few things going on, but about a million things that I want to get done, none of which I have the bandwith to accomplish.

And all I want to talk about is my son, and the awesomeness of his growth and development, and how freaking incredible it is to make the goofiest noises at him and see and hear him respond to me. To see him looking and thinking and moving his mouth in brand new, first time attempts to make sound, sound of any kind, kind of like this big person who is hanging over him and relentlessly bugging him to respond. My goodness it lights up my life. Even now just thinking about it ... I'm lifted up out of this cubicle and propelled into the stars. I just love him so much, and I'm dumbstruck at the reality that Laura and I made him. We made a person. I'm out of my own body right now.

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So last night Laura and Tyler stayed over at Laura's mom's place, mostly because her dad is out of town for a few days, but also because it would give me a chance to stay late at work and get more done without the pull to get home to take care of Tyler, relieve Laura, etc. It was so, so very weird to not have the two of them around. It felt wrong, like part of me was missing. I tried to cover it up for a while by mindlessly watching TV, and at one point I found the film Spider-Man 3, which, being a sci-fi geek, was sufficient to help me zone out for a little while.

At least for the first few minutes that I was watching, right up until some line about how we all have the freedom to choose. That pulled me right back into reality and made me want to take the next week off. Choose to stay home. Choose to clean up my yard and garage, choose to help Laura pick paint colors so we can brighten up our entry hall and loft. Choose to scoop up the kid and the wife and drive out to the coast for some light hiking and family photo-ops.

There's got to be a way to make balance happen in a life. Choose to do the things I want, and balance them with the things I have to do. I've never been a master of this in any form, and so more thought is needed. I guess.

Anthony "Chub" Cappelletti

I don't have a proper term to define the family relation type for my friend Chubbo. We shared no blood link whatsoever, but he lived next to my mom's family when she was growing up in Crockett, and had always been a very good friend to my family. All the way back from childhood I have more memories of him than I do of my own grandparents, and as far as I am concerned he was a grandparent to me. Chubbo passed away this last Sunday morning.

My mother's parents split way before I ever existed, and I never knew her father. There are photos of me with my mom's mother, but she died of lung cancer when I was about 4, so I have no real memories of my own. (Side note ... DON'T FUCKING SMOKE! But I'm not bitter). My father's parents also divorced before I was born (on his wedding day, no less ... very classy), but both of them were actually a part of my life to some extent.

My dad's dad was mostly absent for years until his second wife passed away, at which point he realized he actually had kids and grandkids of his own, and he did his best to make up for having been absent. He was always a good guy, but I almost always felt awkward around him. I think my dad felt the same way about him, but we made it all work when we'd meet for dinners or holidays. He passed away very suddenly a couple of years ago, and I found myself wishing I had tried harder to get to know him, even blaming myself a little bit for not having been the bigger man and just make the time to go see him more often, regardless of how awkward it might have been, or how many times I'd already heard his war stories.

My dad's mom is still around, and I occasionally call or write her. That's a very awkward relationship if ever there was one. She is very ... well, particular in how she sends her love. It's not bad, it just rubs me the wrong way sometimes, but I'm doing what I can to accept the fact that she means well. And I should learn from my own lesson and be a good grandson while I still actually have a grandparent.

Which brings me back to Chub. His real name was Anthony, but apparently as a child he was pudgy, and somehow let the name "Chubbo" stick, so I always knew him as Chub. I call him a grandparent because although we didn't spend hoards of time with him, he was just always so friendly and fun and interesting. He would play with me and show me his drafting table and his wood working tools, and let me explore his house and back yard. He wanted me to learn and explore and have fun. As much as I love my blood grandparents, they always loved be back at a distance; I have zero memories of them playing anything with me, or getting down on the floor to wrestle or be even a little goofy, which is perhaps why I now treat my grandmother with love at a distance.

So it's not like Chub was in my life every day, but the man genuinely gave a shit about me and was always asking my mom how I was doing, where I was working, what I was working on, every single time she would see him. Even to the extent that sometime he would forget to ask how my mom was doing. So it should come as no surprise that I now find myself wishing I had made the time to visit him more often. Not because there was anything I felt I needed to say, but just to hang out.

Damn life and the things that "keep us busy" when there's so much else we really want to be doing. I've been "so busy" with work these past months, that even now when I know I'm sad at his passing, I can't muster the sadness to grieve because I know I've got another 12 hour work day coming up tomorrow. That's a whole different blog posting that I hope to get to some time soon.

I can't say for certain whether my interest in how things work, and my subsequent pursuit of a career in engineering are because of his mechanical inclinations, but it would not surprise me in the least to find out that was the case. Anyway, the guy was a very positive influence in my life, and I will certainly miss him. Rest in peace my friend.

Update, the 30th

Our baby boy is quickly approaching one month of age, with all sorts of unique traits emerging all the time. The most prominent one is screaming, or crying, or shrieking, one of those. The one that sounds like a jet engine pointed at your ear. Yes, that's the one.

Laura will feed him for hours on end (literally, and hour on, a few minutes off, then another hour on) and begin to put him down because he IS completely limp and sleeping. Then just when you think you get a moment to, oh, I don't know, use the toilet, he goes from being completely peaceful to being raging angry. I'm not kidding. Zero to Angry Metal Band lead singer on crack in a fraction of a second. It's a bit terrifying; he'll empty his lungs and scream like he's being impaled. Maybe that sounds a bit extreme, but as newborn screams go, my son's wailings ARE my frame of reference; lacking a statistical comparison, I can only assume that some are worse, some are better. No doubt I'm not alone in this experience, but it can certainly be terrifying, and the only, ONLY thing that stops his cries is to hand him back to mom to feed again. Poor Laura is slowly turning into a zombie because she is always awake and feeding.

I'm not trying to complain here. I'm just telling my story. As more days go by (I can't believe he's already almost one month) the cries become easier to handle, and my approach to it all becomes more relaxed and understanding. Now I expect him to scream when he's hungry, and in a way I love it because it means he is alive and fighting and has big strong lungs. Plus it's really cool when I can help him calm down through singing or some other little game; it makes me feel like I am connecting with him, which is awesome.

He will make the strangest faces, and let out the most bazaar sounds even though he is fast asleep. We have not yet had the timing right with the video camera to capture this, but hopefully soon we will then we can share it. It's crazy to see him cry out then go immediately back to a solid sleep.

I don't know who knows. I'm tired.

tourism commercials

I'm gonna step away from baby talk for a moment to throw out this one thing that I think is interesting / funny.

Did you watch any of the Olympics, and if so did you ever happen to see this commercial? The producers pulled out several big-name, and easily recognizable to US citizens Canadian superstars to talk it up and make it look appealing, including Michael J. Fox, Sarah McLachlan, Ryan Reynolds, Kim Cattrall, Steve Nash, and Eric McCormack. It's got a good tune and it shows off some incredible natural scenery, but every scene with those celebrities is totally fake. Take a close look, every one of them is in front of a green screen, on some sort of set that tries to match that which is presented behind them; NONE of them blend in with the scenery.

Don't get me wrong, I think BC is gorgeous, and I fully intend to visit and enjoy it because I'm sure it is as wonderful if not more so than it looks. I just think it's funny that these folks love their country so much that they can't be bothered with actually going there to film a promotional commercial. By comparison, this commercial for California ACTUALLY features the celebs at real places in California. Of course it probably cost a lot more to make, and my taxes probably helped with that, but at least it's real.

My favorite tourism / promotional commercial is still this one for New Zealand. Maybe it's the song, maybe its the scenery, maybe it's the fact that I've been there, but it still gets me a little choked up whenever I see it.

happy two week birthday Tyler!

Happy Two Week birthday buddy (yesterday)!!

We've had a couple good days at home. In fact, the last six nights have been WAY better than the first couple nights. Laura decided to try making sure we feed him every two to three hours during the day, then make sure he's WELL fed at night before "putting him down for the night". So far, that practice is helping him to sleep three to four hours during the first pull, then after a late night feeding, he'll go another two or three hours, which has been GREAT for mom and dad. But knock on wood, let's hope that it continues.

We've taken a couple walks near our house, and one at McKinley Park in Sac, and we've visited Laura's work, my work, the neighbor's across the street whose little girl is just about a month older than our boy, etc, etc. So he's slowly getting introduced to the world, and his parents are slowly understanding his needs and how to fill them.

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Don't let my previous couple posts worry you. Understand that I was writing very late at night while sleep deprived, and under the duress of a screaming newborn. Lucky for us, the equation is very simple; he was just hungry. It's very hard to understand that when this whole process is new to me, but like I said, we're coming around.

coming back to normal

I think it's safe to say that late night blogging may not be the best thing for me to do. I suppose there is a higher degree of honesty in that activity, but in general it looks like I'm saying things that are unfounded and reactionary. I really shouldn't be freaking out like that until I give it a little time and understand what it means to be a parent a little better. This little boy of mine is a good kid, and he just wants to eat. The only way he knows how to express that is to cry, and he has no concept of volume, so he's gonna do whatever he's gonna do until someone takes care of him. The more I think back on his first week if life and some of my reactions to him, the more I realize that I have been selfish, thinking that he would somehow bend his needs to suit mine, or that there could ever be any sort of explanation for him just trying to get along other than the fact that he is just hungry and growing. Doesn't make me a bad person, just means I need to be more patient, and, ironically, learn to soothe myself in times when he is freaking out.

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Ok, so let's get onto a better track here. We set up a second crib (one that my sister had given us) in our bedroom so that we can let the boy sleep there at night. It seems a little silly what with another crib in just the next room, but this way we can keep tabs on him through the night, and not have to go far to take care of him if he has a diaper issue or is hungry.

He has had lots of visitors so far in his first week of life. All the grandparents met him on his birthday and over the course of the last week have made subsequent visits. Also on his birthday he had visits from the Telford Clan, and Steph and Jen. He's been visited by two uncles (Laura's brothers) and Aunt Bridget, his cousin Lily, his Aunt Casey, his other cousins Ramsey and Hayden, Laura's coworker Mendy, our rowing friends "Auntie" Kathleen and "Uncle" Rex, friends Denise and Ken and their brand new little girl Kylie. He's made one trip to Laura's work to be shown off there, and today he'll meet Nicole. No doubt over the next few day and weeks there will be many more visits from among our really good set of friends and family. We're pretty lucky to have such a wonderful set of people in our lives!

Tyler also had his first pediatrician visit last Tuesday, and he did a great job despite being stripped naked and more or less felt up. Woo that cry! Poor little guy has so much to get used to in this world. At least he can be soothed by mom and dad. I can't wait for immunization day; that will be a true test of our soothing abilities.

All right, I'm just rambling now. Until next time, peace out.

late night autism, perhaps?

Night time is the worst I think, for a new parent. At least for Laura and I. Somehow last night went so very, very well, with the boy allowing us to sleep a total of 5 golden hours in all.

Tonight, well it started out particularly crappy when he just wouldn't settle after feeding, a trait that except for last night has been "normal" since birth. By the way, happy one week birthday son. Things seems to be okay right at this moment; Tyler is sleeping on Laura in the rocking chair in the next room, and everybody has been quiet for the last half hour. I'm hoping these are good signs, but let's face it, it's only 2:18 and I am more of a pessimist than an optimist, so there is plenty of time left in the night for a melt down.

This probably isn't the best time for me to be blogging, but it was either this or hop on my rowing machine and scream as I pull as hard as I can. Laura and the boy might not appreciate option 2 there, so here I sit, feeling maybe a little autistic as I rapidly swing back and forth in the desk chair, hoping that the more words I type, and the more sways I swing, the more I might slip back into some semblance of mental stability.

It really doesn't help that this little boy (who, by the way, I know is acting totally normally for a newborn) is pushing my buttons and digging out the really bad parts of my personality. My temper, my lack of patience, my over-analyzation and tendency to just problem solve, my neuroses in general. Why is it so hard for me to chill out? Why am I so uptight? I could f up every single other thing in my life, but this, this new little life, this tiny little boy who knows NOTHING of the world, I should be able to comfort and support him without trying to out-stubborn him. Because wake up Andy, he's NOT being stubborn god dammit! He is confused! No, he doesn't even have an understanding of that yet because he has not yet built the neurological pathways that allow him to comprehend even the simplest sensations like touch!

Still swaying in my chair, perhaps even more aggressively now.

Saved by Laura! She scared the crap out of me just now when she snuck into the room, but she's calmed me down. What a wonderful woman. Where does she get her strength?

It's 2:45, I'm going to get whatever sleep I can before he wakes up again.

Somehow, somewhere, I am actually sane.

adjusting

Crazy first days at home with the new baby. I want someone to tell me that most (if not all) newborns can be totally insane screaming criers during the nights, and that it's not unusual to completely loose it and be crying on your new son's head because you don't have a fucking clue what's wrong (it probably doesn't help that that particular incident came after four hours of trying to get him to eat, sleep, poop, eat, sleep, soothe, etc, all during the middle of the night). I know he is new to this world, and that he has no idea what any of this is, what he is feeling, seeing, thinking, wanting, needing. He has no frame of reference from which to base his fears or hopes, or against which he can determine whether something is good or bad. But when the poor guy cries again and again in the middle of he night, at the top of his tiny little lungs, at what seems like a pitch that could outpunch a jet engine ...... maybe I'm just not tough enough, but man that's hard to handle. I'm welling up a little bit right now just thinking back to it last night.

Anyway, we're learning a lot about him, and he's learning a lot about ... well, every single thing around him. Somehow or another the three of us are all pulling towards some new average that lies between where he started last Friday and where we've been for our years on this earth.

Welcome Tyler!

Our son Tyler Alan was born last Friday! He is beyond beautiful, and every moment I look at him I am dumbstruck with awe. We spent the weekend at the hospital recovering, and although both Friday and Saturday nights were rough (everybody learning how to deal with one another), we're so, SO very happy to have him here.

a new phase begins ... almost

What is this ride that I am about to take? What is this strange new wonder that is coming my way? A new little person will enter my life, and the life of my wife, some time between tonight and ... well, the next few days. Laura will be induced beginning tonight, and from there who knows when our little baby will arrive. Regardless ... here we go!

Trees! Well, two more anyway.

Left work early last Friday because (1) the back yard had spent two weeks drying out thanks to all the ridiculously nice weather we've been having, (2) the weather people said it would be raining all weekend (suprise, they were wrong), and (3) it occurred to me that I had spent the holiday last Monday working, and I wanted to recoup that time. So I went home and visited with my mom, sister, Laura's mom, and of course Laura (they were all visiting to help stitch together some new curtains), had lunch, and planted a tree. Finally we have some green in the back yard! And yesterday I planted a second one!



I had previously planted one of the Chinese Pistache, but they are deciduous and currently have no leaves (they're just sticks right now). The two fern pines (Podacarpus), by contrast, are evergreen, and add a nice splash of green life to our sad, dull, brown back yard. A quick glance at the other back yards I can see from my back yard shows me that ours is the first to have anything planted. Which is a little sad because the other houses on our side of the street have been inhabited about a year longer than ours. Maybe they all had the same problems I had. Or not.


The most fun I had during the whole process happened at two different times. Friday afternoon I was removing lodgepoles from the first tree I planted because they were too far apart. One came out no problem. The other gave me trouble. I rocked it back and forth in an attempt to loosen it, and on one of the rocks I pulled too hard, causing it to snap near the ground. When it broke loose it whacked my right ear, which hurt ... a bit, but luckily did no visible damage.

The second fun event happened Sunday evening as I was driving lodgepoles into the ground for the second fern pine. I'm up on a ladder, pile driving the pole with this heavy tool that you use by sliding it up, then forcible driving it down. One one up stroke it came off the pole, and on the subsequent down stroke it, of course, struck the top of the pole. Having no where else to go, it rocked sideways, and came to rest on my head. Actually it broke the plastic strap of the earmuffs I was wearing to deaden the sound of the pile driving, and left a pleasant little lump on my nogging. Best part of it all was that I managed to NOT fall off the ladder and break ... something ... following the thump, which did kinda make me feel silly for a half second. Anyway, no sickness or follow-up ill effects, just the realization of stupidity on my part.

Ramble machine off. Sorry about the length of today's post.

New Era ... the Alexander Dennis arrives at Unitrans

Stopped by the Unitrans garage VERY briefly today to take a look at the new Alexander Dennis Enviro double deck bus. I had hoped that Dave Orca or Andy Wyly (the two people I still know well enough to hang out and chat) would be there and I could gab a while about the new bus. They weren't around, but I introduced myself to Sean (a mechanic) and he was more than happy to let me walk around inside the bus and check it out.

Picture the Daimlers, only brand new, awesome, comfortable, with power steering, cameras (everywhere), and (I'm guessing) way more enjoyable to drive. And they are freakin' huge! They seat ... 81 people? The air conditioning system at the rear of the bus is MASSIVE, and it's a tandem rear axle, so this this is ready to do some serious student hauling.

I need to get back out there when one of my people is around, and hopefully, perhaps, maybe they'll let me take it for a spin around the pad.

I've already got visions of a new bus poster in my head ... featuring the new Enviro and 1014. I need to get in touch with Geoff and whether I can set something up.

Family Baby Shower

(Author's Note: This blog entry really should have been posted on Saturday, Jan 30th, right after Laura's baby shower ended. These are the thoughts that I was having at that time, so just assume that the date you see associated with this blog says 1/30/10.)

I honestly feel blessed and lucky. Too often I complain about my back yard or my work or some other nonsense. Today Laura had a baby shower to celebrate the coming of our first child, a boy whose name we honestly not yet determined. We probably had 30 people at our house, friends, family, people all gathered around to celebrate the coming of our kid. I was sitting on the couch much later that evening after everyone had left, and I was washed over with a feeling of wholeness, of hope, and even of love.

I know I'm getting really cheesy here, but in that moment it really sank in ... just how fortunate Laura and I are to have so many wonderful relationships. So many people who care about us, who care about our child to be, and who let us care about them. It it a truely amazing thing to have such good friends and family, and to be able to share our experiences with them all.

I sat there and soaked up the bliss, thinking to myself how it's such a damn shame that so many of life's nuances block the observation of this feeling. I bet that this feeling is always there, but that it's hard for someone like me to really know it and appreciate it when I am most often paying my attention towards so many other psychological debts.

Anyway, the point is just that I wanted to give thanks to everyone for coming. I know that most of them won't read this, but somehow, in some way I wanted to reflect the warmth and humility I felt in that moment back out to the world.

I can't believe I'm about to be a father!

aaaaahhhhhh freak out!

I am officially, totally, completely, and truely in freak-out mode right now. And somehow I'm still calm.

My first child is effectively due any day now (Laura is at 36 weeks as of two days ago), and that is the coolest, most important thing that is happening. And knocking at my door every second is my work load, which, after taking another look at my schedule just now, shows me that in order to hit an upcoming milestone, I have ... today ... to do about three weeks of design work before I have to order the fabrication of parts. And of course you have to order parts before you can get them, and you have to get them before you can assemble them, then they have to be tested and deemed okay before they can be installed on the bigger vehicle and tested there.

I'm bothered by the fact that work is so dominating my life right now. And I know that when the kid shows up, it'll be a slap in the face that breaks my mental lock on work and makes me totally put my focus on him, my wife, and the fact that we will have become a family. But right now I'm developing symptoms of hypertension.

same old stuff

After complaining about the rain last time, I did manage to get one tree planted, and fill in one of the holes that I dug in error. The dirt was workable, but still fairly wet which made things difficult and slow. Now it's raining again, and my back yard is a mud pit, and the other five tree holes are once again all filled up with water. I've resolved to just say the hell with it and wait for the spring, which is probably what I should have done last time before I tried to put the first one in.

The kid's room is progressing nicely. Walls and wainscotting are all painted, all the footboards and wainscotting are up on the wall, and I'm about 1/3 of the way done with the chair rail. The tough part is definately turning out to be getting the damn corners to match with the moulding. I'm borrowing my father-in-law's plastic miter box, which as handy as it is, is allowing the cuts to be uneven. Between that and my inexperience, I'm ending up with some joints that look rather poor. So I'll be backfilling with a fair amount of wood puddy and hoping that things turn out well. In the end, I keep telling myself that it doesn't all have to look perfect because (1) nobody is perfect, (2) I'm doing this for the very first time, and (3) I'm going to care a lot more about playing with and getting to know my son than I am about the color, size, or shape of the room.

Work is turning up the pressure on me, and getting crazier. That's true for everyone here, but it turns out we have a major, unshakable design milestone coming up March 8th, and certainly the mood around here will become more and stressful as that date approaches. Oh yeah, and the kid is due that day as well. Fuckin' A! Of course my family comes first, but I have to balance the job out along with the arrival of my child so that I can afford to keep a roof over his new head. Why can't the March milestone be a little one, and why can't the stress ramp up later on, say in August? I guess it just goes to remind me that I have no control over what time has in store for me.

don't even know

Why is there water falling from the sky? No rain was supposed to occur at any time this week so that my back yard could dry out, and so I could plant my damn trees tomorrow. Why is it raining right now?

I think it's time I adopt an entirely new outlook on life, before I let all the stress that I carry along with me every day kill me. I think that from now on everything should be about cake. Finding a good cake, and enjoying eating it. Had a fine piece of carrot cake from the Nugget last night, and that just about fixed the day up right. But now it's raining, and I don't know what kind of cake drys out clay soil, so I find myself stuck, and paniced that I'll be in a world of hurt come early march if I don't seriously adjust my attitude.

WTF

See this is why I don't post regularly. I'm not exciting to read, mostly depressing and freaking out and stressed. Nobody is inspired or entertained by that.